Are you always saying ‘yes’ when you’d prefer to say ‘no’? Are you going to great lengths to avoid disappointing others, even if it means sacrificing your own time, energy, or well-being?
Is it a lose-lose situation; you feel bad about saying ‘no’ but saying ‘yes’ leaves you feeling resentful?
While being helpful and considerate is a positive quality, people-pleasing can become problematic when it comes at your own expense.
It can manifest in various ways, such as difficulty setting boundaries, struggling to say no, and constantly apologizing. Therapists view people-pleasing as a behavioural pattern where someone prioritises the needs of others over their own well-being. Therapists often explore the underlying causes of people-pleasing behaviour, which may stem from low self-esteem or a fear of rejection. It is generally felt to be a learned behaviour, not something we're hard-wired for.
Humans are social creatures with an innate need for connection and belonging. While cooperation is important, there's no evolutionary advantage to constantly prioritising others at your own detriment.
Underlying causes
People-pleasing often stems from experiences where expressing your needs wasn't safe or led to negative consequences. This could be due to critical or dismissive parents, or environments where approval was conditional on compliance.
Learned responses
Over time, individuals learn that prioritising others keeps the peace or avoids conflict. This reinforces the behaviour, making it a habitual response.
Intrinsic personality traits
There are some in-born tendencies that can contribute to people-pleasing, such as: Empathy: People pleasers are often highly empathetic, which allows them to easily pick up on the needs and feelings of others.
Desire for harmony: They may have a strong desire for social harmony and dislike conflict.
However, these traits themselves aren't inherently bad. It's the learned behaviour of prioritising others to the point of self-sacrifice that becomes problematic.
Imagine someone who constantly feels pressured to attend every social event they're invited to, even if they're exhausted or already have plans. They might also volunteer for extra tasks at work, even when their workload is already overwhelming, because they can't bear to disappoint their colleagues. This behaviour can lead to burnout, resentment, and feelings of inauthenticity.
Hardwiring
People who are more likely to exhibit people-pleasing behaviour often share some common characteristics. These include: Low self-esteem: People pleasers may have a low sense of self-worth and seek validation from others.
Fear of rejection: They may have a deep fear of being disliked or ostracised, leading them to prioritise keeping others happy.
Approval-seeking: People pleasers often crave external approval and may go to great lengths to earn it.
Difficulty setting boundaries: They may struggle to say no to requests or set clear boundaries for themselves.
Empathy: While a positive trait, people pleasers can be overly empathetic, taking on the emotions and burdens of others.
It's important to remember that these are tendencies, and not everyone who experiences them will become a chronic people pleaser.
People pleasing and self sabotage
What are the signs that people pleasing is impacting negatively on your life? Exhaustion and burnout: From constantly prioritizing others, they may feel drained and resentful. Strained relationships: People-pleasing can lead to inauthentic connections and difficulty setting healthy boundaries. Anxiety and stress: The fear of disappointing others can cause constant worry and anxiety. Depression: Feeling unheard and undervalued can contribute to feelings of depression.Impact on physical health: Chronic stress can manifest in physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches Subtle behaviour: People-pleasing can be ingrained and subtle. Sufferers may view their actions as simply being helpful or accommodating. Fear of judgment: Admitting to people-pleasing can feel like admitting weakness or inadequacy, which can be especially difficult for those with low self-esteem. Positive intentions: The core desire to help others is positive, so they may not recognize the negative consequences of their behaviour. However, with self-awareness and reflection, people pleasers can learn to identify their patterns and seek help to develop healthier habits.
The value of the solution-focused therapist
A therapist who builds rapport and collaboration with their client, establishes a trusting relationship, building on the client's strengths. They work with the client to identify a desired future state – what would their life look like if they weren't people-pleasing? This helps focus on solutions rather than dwelling on problems.
The therapist helps the client identify their existing strengths and coping mechanisms that can be used to address people-pleasing.Together, they set specific, achievable, and measurable goals that move the client towards their desired future state. Looking at situations where the client has already successfully avoided people-pleasing helps build confidence and identify transferrable strategies.
They develop a plan to address potential setbacks and maintain progress towards the client's goals.To bolster future success clients are encouraged to develop a stronger sense of self-worth and feel comfortable putting their own needs on the table. They aim to set clear and healthy boundaries in their relationships, learning to say no to unreasonable requests. Recognizing situations or people that prompt people-pleasing behaviour is crucial. Therapists can help clients identify these triggers and develop alternative responses. They can guide clients in practising assertive communication techniques, such as using "I" statements to express their needs and feelings directly.
Healthy self-care practices like relaxation techniques, setting boundaries on work hours, and scheduling time for activities they enjoy can help clients acquire and maintain control in their lives.With cognitive reframing, therapists can teach clients to challenge negative thought patterns that fuel people-pleasing behaviour. For instance, reframing the fear of rejection from "If I say no, they won't like me" to a more empowering thought like "I can prioritise myself and still maintain healthy relationships" encourages the client to see a clearer view of a situation.
Anticipating situations that might trigger old behaviours and collaboratively developing coping mechanisms for those moments gives the client a feeling of confidence that they can cope with the future. Going forward, it’s important to recognise early warning signs; these are the physical, emotional, or thought patterns that indicate potential relapse.
Self-compassion is important and realising that setbacks are normal and don't negate progress encourages client to reframe them as learning opportunities.
Therapists and clients together celebrate successes in upholding boundaries or prioritising self-care, reinforcing positive behaviour. The therapeutic environment provides a safe space for ongoing support and encouragement as the client continues to develop healthier habits.
Therapists offer several advantages over trying to overcome people-pleasing tendencies alone: They have the expertise to identify the root causes of people-pleasing behaviour and develop effective strategies for change.
As a client, you can access a safe and confidential space to explore your vulnerabilities and practice new behaviours without judgment. You are held accountable for your progress and helped to stay motivated on your journey towards healthier relationships.
The therapist offers support and encouragement throughout the process, which can be invaluable when facing challenges. They can provide an objective perspective on your situation and help you develop a more balanced approach to your relationships. Self-help resources can be beneficial, but they may not address the underlying causes of people-pleasing or provide the same level of support and guidance as a therapist.
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